You could never stop
by Emjen Enla
Summary: [Complete] "[Kaz] was already dragging himself up the boulders that lined the far side of the gorge. [...] Nina shook her head, caught between annoyance and admiration. Maybe that was what it took to survive in the Barrel. You could never stop." Or the one where Kaz doesn't quite manage to walk off drowning in the Ice Court moat.


**This was requested by someone on Tumblr. I'm not sure if this is what they were hoping for when they made this request; I know it's not what I was originally planning to write. Hopefully it's not a huge disappointment.**

**While the actual symptoms in this fic are as dubious as they are in every other sickfic that's ever been written, I did do some research. I guess this is technically a secondary drowning fic, but "secondary drowning" is not an actual medical condition (as far as I can tell it's mostly a bunch of sensational stories circulated on parenting websites). From the research I did, it seems like difficulty breathing after drowning (in the interest of clarity: in canon Kaz does actually drown in the end of SoC and then Nina resuscitates him) is actually a form of noncardiogenic pulmonary edema. Who knows how accurate I'm being beyond that, though. **

**About halfway through writing this, I realized Kaz would probably assume his symptoms were actually a panic attack, so warnings for Kaz's messed up relationship with his own mental health, I guess.**

**I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever written Matthias and I haven't the faintest clue how to write Nina while she's high on **_**parem**_**. Hopefully, they both come across okay.**

**Also, weirdly, since we only read about Wylan telling Kaz about his father and Nina Tailoring Wylan to look like Kuwei after the fact and not in scene, this fic is technically canon compliant. I'm not going to say I think it actually happened, but read it as you wish.**

**I don't like the title, but I can't think of anything better, so this is what you're stuck with.**

* * *

To say that Kaz had hoped for a cleaner escape from Djerholm would have been an understatement. He hadn't planned to drag himself, Nina, Matthias and the son of their target down a hole under a tree and into the Ice Court's moat. He hadn't expected Jarl Brum to be able to gather a force to meet them at the docks. He definitely hadn't expected Nina to be stupid enough to take _parem_ just to secure their escape.

But they were back on the ship now heading away. They were going to get their money. They're going to be kings and queens.

However that was not strictly true. Nina would probably die begging for another dose of _parem_. She seemed pretty confident in the slim chance she wouldn't become addicted from the first dose, but Kaz was not an optimist; she was probably dead.

There was also the problem Inej and the demands she'd made before leaving him standing on the deck. He was trying very hard not to think about it. There were things that couldn't happen, and what Inej had asked for was one of them. It was impossible.

Eventually he'd floated back to his cabin and set about the task of reasserting some control over his life by stripping off the detritus of the Ice Court. He started by bringing up all the things he'd swallowed which was a relief because as useful as being able to sneak things into places in your stomach was, it was also nerve-wracking. He didn't even want to think about what would happen if he accidentally digested a lockpick. He told himself that was why he was so inexplicably anxious. Nothing else was wrong.

He ignored how short of breath he was as he peeled off his cold, damp druskelle uniform. He would have killed for a hot bath, but that wasn't possible on a moving ship. Instead he just got a cold sponge bath which left him shivering, but at least got the grime and mud from the last few days off.

He was wheezing by the time he dried off, which didn't make any sense. They were long done with all running and all the adrenaline was gone. There was no reason that he should be having such a difficult time catching his breath, but his hands were shaking and he had trouble doing up the buttons of his shirt. His skin was damp with cold sweat.

It occurred to him that this might be the same type of thing that had happened in the prison wagon. His face twisted. He hated episodes like this; they always made him feel so helpless. He spent most of his time trying to convince everyone, himself included, that they didn't happen. The fact that he was having two in less than twenty-four hours made him want to skin into the ground in shame. He was Dirtyhands, the Bastard of the Barrel, he was supposed to be better than this.

Still, something wasn't right. He was anxious but not panicking like he normally was when this sort of thing happened. He felt more of a lingering sense of doom as opposed to outright panic. He stumbled to the desk and pulled on his gloves. He stretched his fingers to feel the leather pulling against his hands which normally calmed him, but today it didn't help. He still couldn't breathe. He felt dizzy, so he crossed to the room's bunk and sank down onto it.

Lying down didn't help. Somehow it was actually harder to breathe lying down, which didn't make any sense. He felt like he was drowning, but that had been hours ago; Nina had taken care of it. It wasn't a problem anymore.

He pushed himself back to his feet and stumbled, catching himself on the side of the bunk before he hit the floor. Breathing was a little easier while standing, but something was still wrong. He was fast realizing that this was nothing like what had happened in the prison wagon. Something else was wrong. Actual fear was beginning to creep up on him now. Something was wrong, he didn't know what it was and he couldn't even lie down to sleep it off.

He was pacing the length of the cabin, in shaky uneven steps, coughing periodically into the crook of his elbow when someone knocked on the door. He froze, hoping whoever it was would just assume he wasn't there and leave, but then the door opened and Wylan poked his head in.

"Kaz?" he squeaked. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" He paused and cocked his head. "Are you okay?"

Kaz was all to aware of how pathetic he must look. He was still only partially dressed in just his trousers, shirt and gloves, his feet bare. He soaked in sweat and pacing this tiny cabin like an animal. He did not look at all like the unquestionable leader he'd tried to make himself before the rest of the crew.

"Yes, I'm fine," he said, annoyed that he sounded almost as breathless as he actually was. "What do you want?"

"Well…" Wylan's eyes flitted away as he entered the room. He might have still been worrying about Kaz, but it sort of looked like he had something else on his mind. "I have something to tell you. You're not going to like it."

"I don't like anything," Kaz said. He tried to ignore how hard it was to breathe and focus on Wylan, but that was nearly impossible. He felt like he was drowning. Like he was about to pass out.

"It's about my father," Wylan said. "He's not going to-Kaz!"

Kaz collapsed. He tried to catch himself on the bunk, but only partially managed it. He ended up sitting on the floor, one arm hooked over the side of the bunk wheezing audibly and coughing tightly.

"Kaz!" He didn't remember it happening, but suddenly Wylan was kneeling on the floor, reaching for him. Kaz jerked away.

"I'm fine," he wheezed, trying to catch his breath enough to get up.

"I'm going to get Nina," Wylan said clambering back to his feet. "She'll be able to help. I'll be right back."

"No," Kaz snapped with all the breath he could manage, which wasn't much. "I'm fine."

"I'm getting Nina," Wylan's voice was surprisingly firm. "I'll be right back." And he was gone.

Kaz leaned forward, braced a hand on the ground and tried to focus on getting his breathing under control enough to get up. He could still salvage this situation, could still convince Nina that nothing was wrong, that Wylan was overreacting. He just needed to appear fine when Nina got here.

The cabin door opened and Wylan was back. He was followed by Matthias who was leading Nina by the hand. "Kaz," Wylan scurried back to Kaz's side. "I got Nina. How are you-"

"What happened to you, demjin?" Matthias asked, his blonde eyebrows climbing up into his hair.

Kaz growled as threateningly as he could while he couldn't actually breathe. "I'm f-"

"Please don't even finish that sentence," Nina said, pulling away from Matthias. "I'm not an idiot." She spoke in an airy, slightly distracted voice. She was still high as a kite. Kaz couldn't decide if that was a good thing or not.

Nina stepped closer to him and he tried to pull away with only partial success. His head spun and he felt like he was going to either pass out or drown. Maybe both. "Don't touch me," he snapped.

"Fine," Nina held up her hands. "It's not like I need to." She leaned forward and stared fixedly into his face. "Oh, I see," she said after a minute. "Maybe I am an idiot. Here, let me fix this."

She quite literally waved her hand. Something happened though Kaz couldn't put a finger on what. He doubled over coughing and gagging.

"Nina!" Matthias gasped. "I think you just made it worse."

"No, I didn't," Nina said with supreme, intoxicated confidence. "Just give him a moment to catch his breath."

Somewhat shockingly the longer Kaz panted, the better he felt. Whatever Nina had done, she'd been able to get rid of whatever was making him feel like he was drowning and now it was just a matter of his body getting over the adrenaline rush.

"That," he said what he'd gotten his breath back enough to speak. "Was more than a little unexpected, Zenik."

"Oh, please," Nina tossed her hair. "I healed Matthias when he got shot in the chest an hour ago, you really think that getting the excess moat water out of your lungs was hard?"

"That's what was wrong with him?" Matthias asked. Now that Kaz wasn't trying to keep from drowning, he could tell how tense Matthias was. He kept looking at Nina like he was waiting for her to collapse and die or something. There was no disgust or religious fervor in his gaze, just concern. Kaz hid a smile. Matthias had been something of a wildcard when Kaz had recruited him for this crew, but the Fjerdan and his feelings for Nina might have become the most reliable thing in Kaz's life. It was nice to know that, at the very least, Matthias's motivations would always be straightforward from now on.

Kaz turned his attention to Wylan. The merchling was still kneeling near Kaz, chewing on his lip and looking even more worried than he had before. "What business, merchling?" Kaz asked. "You had something you wanted to tell me."

"Oh!" Wylan turned red from his chin all the way to his ears. "Oh, that was nothing. Not important at all. I'll leave you to rest." He tried to get up and only succeeded in tripping over his own feet before falling to the ground again.

"He's lying," Nina said unnecessarily, leaning back against the desk. "Come on, Wylan, what's up?"

"It doesn't matter," Wylan said.

"Lying again," Nina said.

"I can tell, thank you, Zenik," Kaz snapped. He tired and had a splitting headache. He really hoped the _parem _wore off soon, otherwise he might lose his mind. "Spit it out, Wylan. You came here twenty minutes ago ready to tell me. We just invaded the Ice Court, don't lose your nerve over this."

For a minute he thought Wylan was still going to chicken out, then the merchling visibly braced himself and said, "You know how you talked about using me as insurance to keep my father from double crossing us?" he asked, then barreled on, "It won't work. My father doesn't care what happens to me…"


End file.
